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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Insecure

In our world of such superficiality, would there ever be such a thing as transparency? We hold tightly to our believe that transparency is the key to a peaceful world and blah blah blah but can such thing ever come true? My ENG101 lecturer, Miss Mary once stamp these words of "carpe diem" hard into our heart and living. It means seize the day! Be yourself! Live your life to the fullest and be happy about it. Happiness of living once life to the fullest is to me the greatest blessing a person could ever receive. However, I now ask the question would us people ever get it?

Being happy. What's so hard about it? Content! Relief! Laugh! Smile! Those are all part of what happiness is. In most cases, making others happy is gonna make yourself happy even more. That is what I have been believing and have been holding on in life. Isn't it correct? Nevertheless, as time goes on, I do now realize that by making others happy I would ending up hurting another. Could that be call happiness for myself? I made A happy by doing such and such but by doing so I made B unhappy. And since the world is in the shape of a circle, it will hit me back with a sad result.

I know I'm not the almighty God and I'm not perfect but can't I even do something as simple as making everyone happy? I do have a rough idea what happens. While I'm busy cheering up another, I sent out insecurities to the other unknowingly. I never think of the thoughts and feelings of others once I'm focusing on one. As always, the insecurities that I gave would somehow end up hurting those whom I tried so hard to cheer on. Is it my own very deep down in the core of a problem that I cannot provide comfort, warmth and security to people? Is my method of doing so wrong? I have no idea on what other methods I could use or try. Not being myself to provide these is just like betraying myself by pushing aside my principals.

Smile and face it. That has always been my way of cheering people and showing my concern. However, others might feel that this is immature of me and I should have been serious about it. I am serious is what I always say but can't I be serious with a smile and a lighter heart? Must seriousness be a heavy thing? Is this what society wants me to do? Is by putting a fake front would give more security? I do have a lot of fake masks that I usually wear and I could do it anytime should it make everyone feel better. But how long would it lasts I asked myself. Lying or just telling a white lie is a second nature to me already but when it comes down to things I hold dearly I ought to feel that I should let you all know this is who I am really.

In such a superficial world then how could I really find who myself truly need to be or who I truly am? I'm lost and have been lost for too long of a period of time already. At least it shows to me that I'm feeling most unsecured right now. Not knowing what, who, and why of me, myself and I. Maybe this is the root of the problem after all...

1 comments:

Rain said...

I really think it's not like how u say to make A happy and then u'll make B sad...There's always a way to balance things up. It should be much easier if one only owns the figure "1" in each and everything. haha...so remember, Just 1 is enough!!!!